The Postman Delivered


My very first drum machine. And I must say that I am pleased. That being said, I refuse to reveal the make, model, color, ancestry or creedo of my new found acquaintance. Nor will I reveal the year of his birth, physical shape, or texture of his knobs and sliders. Because if I do, you will all rush out and seek out one of his cousins. And since they are no longer being produced, it will prove difficult for me to acquire replacement parts. Especially for the sticky buttons. Sticky buttons!! (Some people refer to them as “pads”, but who are we kidding here?).

I should have done this a lot sooner. Here is some free advice.

1-Everybody knows that they should practice to a metronome. How many people do this? Nobody. Why? Because it is MONOTONOUS INSANITY. Click Click Click Click Click. Practice to a funky beat instead. One that you programmed yourself.

2-Buy an old drum machine without all of the bells and whistles. Chances are, if you are on this site, you are a guitar player. We should not be purchasing anything that comes with a manual longer than 2 pages. There is a difference between a drum machine and a drum synth. We are not meant to understand LFO’s, Saw Tooth Waves, and Bays and Docks And Patches. Leave the glitchy stuff to DNTEL and the programmer from The Notwist.

3-Can’t afford a TR-808? Nobody can. Get a TR-606. It still has the intuitive sequencer and is analog. Analog. Shit Yeah! BuzzWord Marketing term alert!!! Sound the horns. (If you base your purchases soley on hipster cred, Steve Albini used a TR-606 for his Big Black stuff. Make sure you tell all of your friends)

4-They do not have girlfriends. They are never late for practice, nor do they ever get too drunk.

5-I do not care what alien technology the latest drum machine design is using. The more a drum machine tries to sound like real drums, the more laughable they sound. “But it sounded good in the store, Steve!” Yes, because all of the presets are layered in gobs of reverb.

6-If you are lonely and pathetic, like myself, but want an improptu jam session; you can simply plug your drum machine into a PA, turn on your guitar amp, and play. You can even sing into a microphone. It is like having your own little portable Meg White.

7-Unlike a human drummer, drum machines can play quickly, without playing LOUDLY.

8-A Drum machine is easier to move around than a drum set.

9-If you are in an original project, and somehow find a way to get paid for your services, the drum machine suddenly becomes the most altruistic member in the band.

10- “How do you know if a drummer is on your porch?”
the knocks keep getting louder and faster

“Why did the guitar player put drumsticks on his dashboard?”
So he could park in the handicap spot.

“What’s the best tool to use to get a 7 piece viola section to play in unison?”
A six-shooter

“Why are a violist’s fingers like lightning?”
They never strike the same place twice.

“What do you throw a drowning bass player?”
His Amp.

I am afraid I cound not find any jokes about drum machines. Do you know why? Because they are awesome.